Twit
My name is Ash Stevens, and I am a vampire. Everything you've heard about vampires is true. Yes, I am immortal. Yes, I thirst for human blood; it's like milk and honey to me. I am especially fond of the blood of young nubile females with nice big naturals. Not only does their blood taste better, but their big boobs slow them down and make them easier prey. I guess it doesn't really matter since I can outrun and outjump anybody. I am also awesomely cunning, and I exude the irresistible sexiness of any good predator.
You would think that being a vampire is a pretty good thing, and in many ways, it is. But like I said, I am immortal. In fact, I am over one billion years old. Let me tell you, a lot happens in a billion years. For one, the sun has started burning quite a bit hotter, which is bad because it has killed off just about all life on this planet. That means I don't have anything to chase anymore, and as a result I've put on about thirty pounds. There are a few other vampires roaming around, but I don't like to chase them because most of them are assholes.
Also, the days are uncomfortably hot. It's four hundred degrees Fahrenheit today. I can't go to the beach because all the oceans have boiled off. I have a hard time seeing the sun because the atmosphere has transformed into something called a supercritical fluid. Let me tell you about supercritical fluids. These occur when the pressure becomes so great that the air and water no longer can support the phase boundary between liquid and gas, and they mix together in a really hot, uncomfortable way. Anyhow, the supercritical fluid atmosphere has decaffeinated all the coffee in the world, so now I can't even enjoy a good coffee buzz.
Being alive for a billion years has given me a great deal of time to think. I submit to you my latest philosophical quandary: If nobody is around to witness my sexy awesomeness, does my sexy awesomeness still exist? I don't believe it does. I can't even be sexily awesome to myself, since all the mirrors have melted and I can't see shit anyway. But there is one thing that I can still enjoy, and that is Venezuelan cilantro. Whereas all the other fragile fucking life in this world has been dead for as long as I can remember, Venezuelan cilantro is still thriving. And let me tell you, that shit is delicious. It's how I keep my anxiety level down.
Look, I'm just screwing around with you, there's really no Venezuelan cilantro. Are you kidding me? It's four hundred degrees right now. Fuck this crap.
You would think that being a vampire is a pretty good thing, and in many ways, it is. But like I said, I am immortal. In fact, I am over one billion years old. Let me tell you, a lot happens in a billion years. For one, the sun has started burning quite a bit hotter, which is bad because it has killed off just about all life on this planet. That means I don't have anything to chase anymore, and as a result I've put on about thirty pounds. There are a few other vampires roaming around, but I don't like to chase them because most of them are assholes.
Also, the days are uncomfortably hot. It's four hundred degrees Fahrenheit today. I can't go to the beach because all the oceans have boiled off. I have a hard time seeing the sun because the atmosphere has transformed into something called a supercritical fluid. Let me tell you about supercritical fluids. These occur when the pressure becomes so great that the air and water no longer can support the phase boundary between liquid and gas, and they mix together in a really hot, uncomfortable way. Anyhow, the supercritical fluid atmosphere has decaffeinated all the coffee in the world, so now I can't even enjoy a good coffee buzz.
Being alive for a billion years has given me a great deal of time to think. I submit to you my latest philosophical quandary: If nobody is around to witness my sexy awesomeness, does my sexy awesomeness still exist? I don't believe it does. I can't even be sexily awesome to myself, since all the mirrors have melted and I can't see shit anyway. But there is one thing that I can still enjoy, and that is Venezuelan cilantro. Whereas all the other fragile fucking life in this world has been dead for as long as I can remember, Venezuelan cilantro is still thriving. And let me tell you, that shit is delicious. It's how I keep my anxiety level down.
Look, I'm just screwing around with you, there's really no Venezuelan cilantro. Are you kidding me? It's four hundred degrees right now. Fuck this crap.
posted by Row of Streetlights at 1:45 PM
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